Think . Learn . Earn

These few days I have been thinking. I'm been through the stage of depress, fear, worry, angry, dissapointed, happy, relax and then worry and fear again... ... all these emotions keep passing by my brain and heart. Some time I do not even know what I really want. This I can't accept, that I scare of doing and then I angry. So confusing, so irritating, I do wonder what the heck is happening on me. The more I want the answer the more I get confuse. Sometime you will just get really lost. You have to calm or maybe you just need to cry it out loud, and then only you think again, what do you want in your life?

Sometime I know it is great to have a chance to study abroad, but then do I really want it? I'm not happy. This thought has actually came out from my mind before when I just step into Limkokwing. That time, I'm not happy as well and it is even worse. What I do is force myself to accomodate into the new environment, the people and stuff. So how? Or maybe I'm just not being honest to myself. I think this should be the way it is and so I agree with it and I follow. I never really ask myself, do I really want to follow.

And then I start wonder since when did I so care about my weight problem? I know I do care about it but it never really been such a big problem for me in life before. Recently I had read one article which write exactly the same story that I have been through before. So I roughly know I am being not normal. But so what? I know its wrong, I know its unhealthy, I know I'm something wrong... So? I just can't stop it from happening. Anyway, now I felt bless that I'm still able to quit and control. It was just... ... life become so much tougher after I became so concern on my weight and body image. All these shouldn't even be start because... ... it will never end.

Then I start thinking about life, about my future. Imagining I'm working, I'm driving in the big city... ... and slowly turn independent, just like my sister. When come to all these, I will always doubt myself, I'm not sure can I do it or not. Sometime, I just feel that I born to be independent and tough, I'm not allow to cry to my family, I'm not allow to being weak, I'm not allow to be lazy... ... lots and lots of things I can't tell them and I don't even feel like share with them, all I do is, make them proud of me, and no need to worry on me. I think I somehow did it, as they are really believe in me. There is this moment when I feel like talk to my sister but... ... this has somehow become an useless idea because I don't want to... ... The people I really can share things with is always my friends, either Karen, Karwoon or Chymee... Wei Kiat... and Victor maybe ~ ~

And then I learn to calm myself and accept people. Accept who exactly they are, accept their thoughts and give them my biggest support. I do know that I am a selfish friend. I can ignore them, scold them... even don't listen to them. Some time I can even dump them when I think I do not need them. I'm such a self-center bitch~ But I know they are important to me, I always know. So from now on, I want to learn how to accept and how to support my friends. I'm so sorry for being rude to you guys sometime. Maybe some time I will speak out some words that is hurtful, but I don't mean it. I just hate when my emotions is affected by what happen to you guys. I really love you guys, all of you... every single of one of you.

This is why I said never NEVER never let yourself too free. Because you will think, when you get to think then you will feel depress... and you will feel like you are such a loser... Anyway, I'm getting over it now. I write out all the thoughts I have lately, and I analyze, then I learn and I earn... ...

If being simple thinking or naive or stupid can make me feel happier... I swear I want to be. Able to be naive can be describe as a gift to us... ... as it can at least make our life easier.

When things change, your mind has to change. But, it is so hard to change because you keep looking back...

From now on, look forward please, accept what is it now, face it, enjoy it... and BE HAPPY!

OooHH... I talk so much crap today~ ~ anyway I will be out these two days! Approach the natural with my parents and relatives... get a chance to find out some theory of life and learn some lessons... maybe ... ... just grab a chance to get away from all these for a moment...

--very very eowh--

11th December 4:16 a.m.

Dear Diary

I'm not good. I simply don't feel good. I just have a coversation with Karen on Skype, and have a little argue with Victor on MSN, then I browsing around the net, read back my old posts about my life in Australia in past few months. The reason that I feeling not well is not because of the little arguement with Victor, instead he just reminds me that I will somehow going back to Perth next year. And it will comes soon.

I know I know I know, going back to Perth was like two and a half months more to go, yet I just can't imagine the day is getting closer and closer. This is just like, don't treat me sweet, as I can't let it go anymore. This feeling come stronger when I read back my older posts, it reminds me on how depress am I while I'm there. Those days are scary, days of being alone, days of worrying on assignments, days of working, days of cravings. I can't find one day that could keep me for wanting to go back to Australia... I simply can't.

I don't know why am I suddenly felt so depress about this. Maybe is because after I have my result. I don't know how to explain my feeling after I see my result. I really blame myself for not trying my really best on it, especially PR. I simply hate the PR class for the whole semester. And then I blame myself for putting every assignment into last minutes and lead to less quality work. I know I can get a better grade on FTV and GC if those assignments can be done in enough period. It was just like one or two marks away.

Well... actually it is not those grade that make me feel unhappy about, it is the process of doing assignment. I can't find any happiness on it. That's too bad. If I don't feel I'm happy in doing those assignment, I believe that the quality of it wouldn't be good. My bad.

I don't know since when did I have the problem of being depress. I am not optimistic anymore, I can't. This is definitely not the before_me. Last time, I use to see everything positively, I can accomodate myself very easily on everything, I appreciate... ... Now it just seems like, I can't do it anymore. If say I get Hormone Imbalance, then it will definitely because of stress. Since when did I get stressful so easily?

O god... Leeyi, please, you have to get over this. Nothing to stress about, it is a happy thing to think about, I mean studying oversea in Australia is a great chance that not everyone could have it... ... You have to be confident, don't panic... don't panic... you have to think that, you are doing the thing that you like... you should make yourselves really into it.. you love that, aren't you?

Yeah... school re-open day is a new start up. Don't repeat what happen in last semester, but look forward to a new one. Don't work anymore and get yourselves really focus on your study. Enjoy studying, enjoy the campus life... ... enjoy everything there... next semester will be way too good and remember, you are the Design Coordinator of PRSC... there is a lot of fun to go... hope for it, don't scare for it....

Leeyi Leeyi you must always tell yourselves that, you are lucky enough...

appreciate everything

And faster get myself a job now!

--PMS--

Beautiful december

Guys I'm back! Ya... back to my home country, the place that I missed so much. Apparently I don't have much time to think once I reach home, I mean I don't have much time to feel the feeling of finally back home after few months of oversea life... ... anyway, I'm here, sitting in my room.

I wanted to update with you guys so badly but I'm just so busy... which I don't even know what is there to so busy about. And then, yea... so once I off the plane, it was already 10 p.m. I lost in KLIA for half an hour because stupid pilot park the plane at the terminal of arrving hall instead of the usual terminal~ ~

The first thing I did when I reach Malaysia was get a toilet and SHIT. (5 hours stuck in the middle of the plane is way too EOWH ==)

By the time I reach MY HOME@@ it was already 12 a.m. unpacking... unpacking... unpacking...

Sleep at 4 a.m. and wake up at 7.30 a.m.

Take bus go to Mid Valley with my sister (I am definitely dead when I'm on the Malay bus and Malaysia is cold)

Shopping shopping shopping (I need a dress for my brother wedding which will happen in two more days)

Luckily I manage to get a dress at MNG ~ if not I D. I. E

Then meet up with Karen and Leo, go back together at 10 p.m. (again I'm dead on the car)

er chui er chui er chui ... then I was so busy with my brother wedding...

Here I wanted to thanks Karen, Leo and Victor for helping out so much on the wedding. Sorry I didn't really spend time with you guys @@ But it seems like you guys can survive so well in my house...kekekkeke

So I'm the Emcee for the wedding, and I start writting the script on Saturday mid night, memorize the thing with my sister one hour before the dinner start@@ I basically love this wedding A LOT and A LOT... I am so proud of it! Its like we been through it together! Deco rocks!

And today, result is OUT! O my god, I feel so scary when my PR was just only pass with 56%! I never thought that I'm going to nearly fail my PR, I never think that I will fail which is why I acted so relax before the exam. I swear I will never take PR exam lightly anymore!

Then I get Distinction for MCI with 73%, Credit for FTV (67%) and GC (69%)

Well, why don't they just give me one more mark for GC so that I got two distinction? ==

Ok, I feel blessed that I pass all. I appreciate everything...

--Enough of updates--

Guess what, this moment I feel that study is scary! It makes me want to ended it so badly! Ish ish ish... and what the heck, I start thinking about the moment of going back to Perth next year now! I don't want this to happen! Pleaseeee.. let the time fly slow a bit okie?

--er chui er chui--

19 hours MORE!

O my god O MY GOD!! 19 hours more I will be on the plane!! I'm back people!

Just finish packing... cleaning... now only left me and the luggage! I can't wait for it! Hope all my things is safe at Eric's house@@ thanks for helping me out to store my things^^ Love you always

Well... now my last mission was go to the city tomorrow very early in the morning to buy apple struddle, and brother wedding present... and so on... maybe have my last cup of Bubble tea and Utopia? @@ Okie... must sleep early today... (maybe after few episode of Gossip Girl)

Tonight is no blanket and pillow night... its going to be really cool... haiz.. never mind as long as I'm back few hours more I'm happy with anythings. Nothing can spoilt my mood now...

I'm super excited!

--er chui--

5 more days to go

Saturday... waooo... 5 days more I'm going back! Well... What is Ah Lai doing while Mr. V is not here?

Apparently... Mr. V worried that Ah Lai will be damn boring when he is not here, so he 'steal' a lots of movies for her, such as Gossip Girl season 1, 2 & 3, and Hong Kong latest movie 攻心計... I am so in love with Mr. V recently as he is so caring, I am so touch@@ But Mr. V you cannot treat Ah Lai too good ORGhhhh... because Ah Lai still want to marry one Orghhh... Huai darn *shy* Anyway, Mr. V I don't mind you treat me too good... bahahaha... Thank you ya^^

So... Miss Kok and Mr. V worried that Ah Lai will become too crazy on movies until lazy to wake up and eat~ ~ But... I didn't Orghh@@ At least I didn't finish it in two days... Well, I force myself to live healthily okie... After one whole day of watching movies (thursday), I'm force to go to the city at Friday. I have to go to Malaysia Airline to ask about my bargage thing. As it is kind of important for me, so... ya... I have to go out...

Then I'm all alone at the city again. Again? Yeah.. Mr.V is not always with me anyway... so this is not the first time. Those days when I'm alone in the city weren't good to me. I mean I will end up damn emo. However, suprisingly, unexpectedly, I am so relax and enjoy yesterday... I go to try Ramen and browse around those shops... but some stuff, stop and Gelare cafe and having Pancaks with Black Coffee... Wahhh... I'm doing these all by myself! And I'm really enjoying it. Because why you know? I'm going back soon! My brain was full of those images where I will be meeting up everyone soon... I am so exciting! That's why... that's why my mood is so good. Good until nothing can affect it^^ waooo...

And today, I promise Alexio to be his asistant photographer^^ So we went to the beach very early in the morning. Though it is tiring and hot, but its worth, the beach is so DAMN NICE LAR!! Victor, next time let's go to Scaborough instead of cottlesloe!

So guys... I'm back soon... O ya... one thing really make me down was, my charm bracelet lost somewhere else! I think it gone quite long ago and it was too late for me to realize... Who steal it? I can't remember I drop it! Gosh~ ~

Well... I'm going to watch movie then have a long sleep today^^

--er chui--

8 more days to go

I'm back I'm back I'm back!!!! I'm going back soon~ ~ ish... soon? I hope it comes sooner than that. Gosh... I miss you guys like H.E.L.L Now I have already started to imagine that I'm in Malaysia @.@ Like the scene I reach KLIA, the scene I coming out from the arrival hall, how excited am I to give out all the souvenirs I have bought for you guys... ... I can't wait!

I miss talking to my dad, miss him always call me XIAO LEE YI and FEI POH. @@ Miss him always beaten our leg damm hard as if it is not pain... Miss his Winnie The Pooh look, miss drinking Chinese Green Tea with him, miss him always clean the house and murmur us dirty... Miss his big stomach... miss him miss him!!

I miss er chui with my mom, miss making her angry and shout at me untill the whole Bahau can hear. No matter how loud she shouted, I can still ignore her and keep quiet and do my things. Anyone been to my house should have know how loud she can talk, I am serious, she is talking not shouting~ ~ WUAHAHAHAHA

I miss my little sister er chui noisy voice, I miss her's "O My GoD!", miss her Chinese Man Tao and always_thought_she_ is_miss_Universe face == Miss her confident tone, miss her most lan Ci voice talking to my parents, Miss her slam the door while argue with my brother, miss her Hiao voice while talking to her friend, miss her singing moment on Meetoto at the house... Miss the always_thought_she_sing_damn_nice face>.<

I miss my eldest sister cool face, that lan ci face I ever seen before. Miss her 180 degree change mood, where she will suddenly become typical Pieces woman. So dreamy and er chui. Miss her showing off her wardrobe to me, Miss her er chui face while playing online game. Miss the Harvest Moon notes that she had printed out while crazy on Harvest Moon. Miss her while she damn confident walking at the shopping mall. Miss her er chui face while buying shoes. Miss her serious face while counting money... ... Miss her hiao hiao with Mr. Bean Bean. Miss her super cool face in the house, miss her "so?" face while I complain to her.

Miss my second elder sister bad temper, that most kam lan face I ever seen before. WAHAHAHAHA... Miss her angel looking face while she try to solve problem. Miss her professional face while she having business talk with my dad. Miss her er chui face while she giving bribe to Mr. Bean Bean. Miss her walking style while you can see her sexy ass moving left and right... wahahahha... Miss her panda eye, miss her while she being persuaded by all the beauty care product promoters. Miss her when she always dress like a tree, I mean dress with natural color like green and brown. ~ ~ Miss her always ask me did she lock her car right after she locked it. Miss her always sensitive spirit while she taking care on her car (lock, service, parking... ...)

I miss my eldest brother, the er chui brother with er chui face and the most Ah beng chinese accent. Miss him when he is driving his er chui Merc, miss him when he du lan my mei mei and don't know how to argue. Miss his face when my mei mei always show off to him that her academic result is the best in the house. Miss his violence face when he feel like punch my mei mei... wahahahahhaha wtf? hahahaha Miss him as a warm hearted person when he SAYANG me and my sister-in-law, and Bee Bee. Miss him always be the driver, send me off to the airport, send mom and dad to medical check up, send my sister-in-law to clinic body check@@ Miss him as a most romantic boyfriend, husband and father that I had ever met.

Miss My sister-in-law the always quiet and innocent one. Miss her face when me and my brother having century BIG WAR at the house. Hahahahahha Miss her confident face while she dress up and make up. Miss her always_like_to_take_photo spirit. Miss her face when she became mommy. Miss her face while she appreciate everything we buy for her and Bee Bee. Miss her always being HUP by my mom.. hahahahahaha == Miss her when my brother make her laugh till no sound...

Miss the coming groom, the one who married with the computer since young and now getting marry to my second-sister-in-law. Miss his face when he try to hide his love and caring towards me. Miss him trying to be cool but not at all, too er chui for me. WAHAHAHA.. miss his Ah Beng NEss, miss his Armani shine shine belt~ ~ Miss his flower boxer... ... Miss him always saying "屁啊" to me. Miss him always scold me SAM PAT. Miss him always "cheZz" me when I ask him to fix Pinky MaMa to me. Miss him saying AH LUT when I lost my Pinky I-Pod. Miss him scolded my second-sister-in-law FA HIAO ARrrr == Miss his smelly face while he bo song us. Miss him trying to be cute face. Miss him when he trying to make his eye look even bigger... Miss when he invited me to play boxing with him. Miss his tears while I purposely break his Jelly Hair Gel as it was the most important thing to him that time. Miss the moment when he teaches me how to finish two packs of Maggi mee within 5 minutes. Miss when he always ask me to buy burger and we eat together. Miss when he buy drumstick ice-cream and show off to me. ><

Miss my er chui second-sister-in-law too... miss her screaming in front of us when butterfly, spider or any insect go near her. Miss her hugging my brother tightly when a prostitute go near to my brother and praise my brother handsome. Miss her childish face. Miss her always_say_I_skinnier_than_her accent. Miss when she always dress like winter in Malaysia. Miss her LEOPARD (thanks mei anne for telling me the spelling) prints jacket and bags and whatever~ ~

Miss my maid

Miss the PCGS

Miss er chui KAREN KOK HSI HSI

Miss er chui DADDU LEONG WEI KIAT...

Miss HIAO PO CHONG KAR WOON

Miss TOP STUDENT JOHNIE LOH

Miss THE PINK QUEEN FOO MEI ANNE

Miss HARIMAO JIE JIE GERALDINE hahahaha.. no lar geraldine only being harimao to certain people only.. not me lor.. hahah Oklar MISS PRETTY GERALDINE *wink*

Miss ANAKU LEONARDEZZUu (bag bag bag... nougat nougat nougat...~ ~)

Miss AH HENGGGGG!!!

Miss ER CHUI ALI SANG

Miss the one who kena racist HIRO CHANDRAN

O my god... I laugh so loud in the room while I'm typing... hahahaha...

I'm looking forward to see you, you and you..

With lots of loves and kisses

--very very er chui--

Quote of the day

"Hey girl, how's the ice-cream? Is it nice?"

"Ha?? Ya it's nice"

Then we walk pass each other and he tell his friends

"she is cute, isn't she?"

@@

I feel like I can fly after I that. I don't know I look cute when I was eating ice-cream? = = I thought I will be damn fat after that... hahahaha.. well, stop the fat thingy ~~

Guess what? I finally done shopping with the souvenirs thingyS! Gosh, it had spend me so much money! Now what? Maybe left my brothers wedding present? God... I will figure it out... HOW A? ish ish ish

I'm all alone today... and I'm not very very moody... yay! I go shopping by myself and walk confidently on the street... and I wear pink today @@

crap ~ ~ ~ ~ well, need to exercise now.

--er chui--